Monday, December 30, 2013

Saying it's been a while would be an understatement, at best! That boy I posted about in my last post in 2010 no longer exists. I don't know where he went. This new boy, also named Tyler, hasn't lived at home for 2 years &  has a different view of the world. Drugs are good. Sex is good, when he can find it. Stealing is good. Jail is bad, but that doesn't seem to keep him from finding his way back there, over & over.

Overall, life is very different in 2013.

As we are very near to 2014, I felt I should document where we are today.

This is Tyler today:
I don't really have any current pictures of him of my own, so I had to steal this off his Facebook page.

This boy is often sullen & angry. He likes to pierce various body parts. He cuts himself sometimes. The last time he did that (that I know of) he wound up in a mental hospital for about a week.

He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder while he was at JobCorps, but refuses to believe he needs to take any medications to help with the wildly swinging mood he (& those around him) deal with daily.

He has chosen a hard road to walk, this child of mine. Sometimes I get a glimpse of the child I used to know. That makes it particularly hard when he does something that is so very not like the child I used to know.

This is his last week of freedom, unless he chooses to try & hide from police again. The last time he tried to run away from his problems, the police caught him a mere few hours before he was to board a bus that would take him across the country, to the coast. He has a court date later this week that, if he goes to, will put him back in jail. If he doesn't go, when they do find him, he will go back to jail for even longer.

I'm often sad for this boy of mine, whom I don't know anymore. I have to frequently remind myself that his choices are not mine. I didn't make them, therefore I cannot unmake them. I made this person, yet I do not choose for him. Sometimes I wish I could choose for him, like I did when he was little, but I realize that means I would be going against one of the gifts God gave to us; free will.

I pray for this happy, sad, lonely, angry, enthusiastic, willful boy. I hope the roads he chooses in the future will not be so rough as the ones he's chosen.

I miss my child. Every day. This new person doesn't have much to do with me anymore. This is a strange mix of sad relief for me.

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